“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
The dark side of Canada
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…