Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
You Might Also Like
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*me flirting
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down