Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Great game to play with friends
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?