Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
dads on road-trips be like