Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
You Might Also Like
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I’m being attacked 😭
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.