Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.