Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.