Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)