three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
opening a flower shop called women in stem
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
August 8
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
This is true.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.