Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
You Might Also Like
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!