mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Found my door mat
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
john wicks are toilet candles
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.