Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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