Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.