@ceejoyner: Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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@iGreenMonk: Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.
@stephenjmolloy: [3rd date] Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee? Ian: Sure! Kate: Have you got any condoms? Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
@superdadatron: Lies I'll never stop telling: 1. I'd never put you in a home, mom. 2. It's 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
@thebeckyard: "Mom, you need to calm down with how much cheese you've been buying." *silently writes him out of my will*