Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
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MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
*cough*
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan