Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
You Might Also Like
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Day 2 of my diet
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal