@jimmytorosian: Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won't throw them back because they've been told their whole life that they shouldn't.
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@UncleDuke1969: "You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her." "We're still married, Grandma." "She's such a lovely girl."
@lovemydogduck: The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
@steveolivas: If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
@PaulSchissler: People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an 'avocado salad' instead of a bowl of guacamole