[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.