Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house