Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
That’s incredible! 👌
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
The best plant holders?
I need a headline like this
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
so weird how every mom was born today
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*