@mirandaasantos: throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn't get the memo..
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@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
@woodmuffin: Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(
@P1ssed_K1d: Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets
@VapingSonic: Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn't meant for riding Me: I- I gotta know Cashier: know what? Me: *sighs* what I'm really worth. scan me