Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
i- i did not expect this
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Raisins are grape jerky.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs