@topaz_kell: Throwing a grenade at someone who's taking a selfie is photobombing, right?
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@InternetHippo: *phone rings* SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week? ME: No returns SATAN: Please. It's making me sad
@Kalarlis: should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room
@ShortWhiteNUgly: Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling.
@KalvinMacleod: I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I'm in a marching band.