I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I did not eat the cake…
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it