If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!