[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell