Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows