being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*