[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
You Might Also Like
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*