[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I have written yet another poem about laundry
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
She puts the hot in psychotic
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson