@Reverend_Scott: Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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@nbadag: 10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score! ME: y'know they're just numbers on a screen right? they don't mean anything [checks follower count]
@just1fool: Last time I went to the doctor he prescribed constipation medicine to clear up my earwax. He was right about me being a shithead apparently.
@seriouslyamy: 3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said "I'll be back in 20 minutes". Nobody has bothered me since and I'm never taking it down.
@simoncholland: Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.