Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.