*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.