*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Tell me you get it…🤣
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not