*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“OMGJK” -atheists
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit