*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
*pokes sex life with a stick
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.