*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs