*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down