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@seamusmckracken: *Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
@AdamUrbane: Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.
@LOsepyan: Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish
@QueefTornado: Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
@rmfnord: The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
@TheHyyyype: TEACHER: That's the third time this week - please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I've been late