*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.