Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
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Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Carpe DM
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong