*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
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CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.