[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
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Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.