*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
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coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I have never heard an armadillo before.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.