*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m tired tomorrow.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed