*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
This meal prepping shit is easy
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.