*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.