*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?