[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
You Might Also Like
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.