*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
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“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
titanic
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this