@lawyerthoughts: *throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
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@graceful_asfuck: [Burger Lounge] Server: Are you 27? Me: OMG NO I'M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY Server: I meant your order number, ma'am.
@Lamalover2: Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
@Moldy_Jellybean: My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
@heymonroe: Remember in 90's movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That's what happens when I walk in a buffet.