*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
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I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust