*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
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Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.