*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*