*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us