[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
But is it really??
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again