*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me 2 months after i graduated
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.